The Wind Down

Despite the fact that I still have more than four months to go, I can already feel myself detaching. I don't know if I'm ready to detach, but it's happening. In the evenings, I spend my time researching grad school programs for next year instead of baking cookies for my tutor and friends. I don't feel the need to go for two hour walks to explore my city anymore. I feel little guilt when I spend a full day indoors doing my own thing. While I look forward to next year and pursuing a new path, a peculiar sadness is taking root. Something I don't think I've felt before. Perhaps it could be defined as the recognition of a dissatisfaction that has spanned nearly two years of trying. Last night I went through some of my old computer files and came across a word document saved as "ProjectIdeas". It was last modified on June 30th of 2008, back when I was a different volunteer. Upon opening it, I found a list of all the little project ideas my brain came up - building a trail and sign system through Reci, forming a sister park relationship through the National Park System in the US, creating and conducting outdoor educational classes, developing a theater and music in the park program, establishing a pedestrian and bike path between Sfantu Gheorghe and Reci, on and on the list goes. There are about twenty ideas. The final being to build a welcome sign and some picnic tables and trash cans at Reci, which was the only project I was able to pursue with the EPA and which, as previously mentioned, failed. Peace Corps always stresses how much they want their volunteers to feel successful. How can you state with certainty whether or not two years of your life have been successful? I may not have accomplished a single item on that old list of mine, but there are certain things I've done and am proud of that aren't on the list. Perhaps it's too early to reflect on the past two years, but I'm struggling with this peculiar sadness taking root and pushing back the urge to start feeling dissatisfied. I've had choices to make every single day and each one has led me to where I now sit. That's all there is to it. It is what it is. I've tried. I may not have put every last little bit of energy into everything, but I have tried. And now I'm starting to move on. When the time comes, I know that I will dearly miss this place and the friends I've made here, and I'm comforted by this fact. It means that I have done something right.