Home

this is where I come from
that sand runs through my veins
and is what I always miss
and is all I need to be home

First

This is the first song I came up with. It's a little repetitive, but I think it's my favorite...just because it was the first. I hope you like my blinds.

a song of my own

I seem to have lost the ability to write anything remotely interesting. Maybe it'll come back once grad school is over. Instead, I recently found that I can come up with really simple songs. Back when I was 9, I started taking piano lessons and have played pretty much ever since, but never for the life of me could come up with a new song. Grad school and Peace Corps may have done something to my brain because all of a sudden, I've got songs. Since I can't write anymore, I'll share one of them here. I hope it's not too painful to your ears. Please enjoy a lovely shot of my blinds, as well.

Dear Peace Corps,

I know we didn't part on the best of terms, but now that more than a year has passed, I can confidently say that I regret nothing. As I walked home from class today, it hit me more clearly than it ever has before. I am here, in grad school, studying something that I've discovered completely fascinates me from nearly every angle, teaching students who never cease to impress me, doing what I find more fulfilling and satisfying than anything ever before, and you're to blame for all of that, Peace Corps. You. You forced me to do the last thing I ever wanted to do. You dropped eager, motivated students right in front of my face, in a roundabout manner, and said "See? You silly goose, teaching's not that bad." And it's not. It's not that bad at all.

Back in high school and college, I remember feeling acutely jealous of anyone who knew exactly what they wanted to do with their lives. Choosing a field of study was difficult enough for me that I switched majors five times and couldn't settle on just one. And while studying and pursuing my degrees, it never felt quite right. I didn't want to read more than I had to. I couldn't fathom a topic in GIS to research. I couldn't imagine doing field work forever, yet I stuck with it. And I'm glad I did. Having a science background hasn't been a setback in studying linguistics and TESOL. In fact, I think it has helped me out a few times on the analytic and factual side of things. But it's so good to be studying English. And teaching English. And being involved in something that seems to be a part of me. Something that is coursing through my veins and beating through my heart and pounding through my brain, in a way that geography and map-making never did.

What if we had never met? I wonder that from time to time. Who on earth would I be? I define myself by my beliefs and the things I do that are inline with those beliefs, much of which has evolved into a me that I love due to my experiences with you. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I feel like I can say that I love who I am. I love me. And who I've become. Sure, I've got my quirks, but there's not much I'd change. Maybe it's just maturity and becoming comfortable in my own skin, but I'd like to think it's also finally discovering a path and a purpose that is crystal clear, bright, and promising in comparison to all those other paths I've been muddling through.

You're going to be a part of my life forever. Miha, Lajos, Kati, Gabi, Beti, Anca, Roli, Lia, Cezi, Anisoara, and Laci will never leave me, no matter how little communication we have. You and they are in every lesson I teach and in every lesson I learn, and always will be. And it's just a little cheesy how beautiful it all looks right now.

I guess I should say thank you. So, thank you, Peace Corps, for bringing about the me that I've spent the past 30 years trying to find. Thank you.

Dream with me.

Dream with me. Dreams make the hard parts of life more livable. They let me see past the tedious challenges and minutia of now and into the vast expanses of possibilities lying ahead.

I think I'm back. I'm dreaming again. Of Chile. Of Mongolia. Of Estonia, Morocco, Sweden, Montenegro, Argentina, South Africa. Every night, I look up a possibility on my phone and dream about being there. What do the mountains smell like? How do the stars look? How does the air feel? How often do the people smile?

Now that I only have one and a half semesters of grad school left, I'm letting the dreams flood in and sooth the difficulties of the past year. Grad school has been no cake walk by any means and I've worked harder at school than I ever have before. But it's worth it just to have these plausible, beautiful dreams again.

I'm hoping to revise this place as I figure out my next steps. I've missed it.