Everywhere I live, I learn new things. About myself, about people, about nature, about history and the world. Things that I wouldn't learn if I stayed in one place for a long time. That's a big part of why I like living abroad, even though I know that other parts of my life, like deep-rooted long term friendships, tend to suffer from constantly moving. Most of the things I learn, I sort of expect to learn, like the basic history, aspects of the language, the customs and traditions. Although those things are interesting, I'm rarely surprised when I learn them. But other things are unexpected. Surprises. And those are the things that usually mean the most and change how I see the world.
In China, I learned that I needed to see full blown sunlight that casts shadows and brings the leaves in trees to life once in a while in order to feel happy. And that I needed to live somewhere where I wouldn't be the awkward center of attention each time I stepped outside. In Romania I learned that I liked to teach and that it's really, really hard to learn a new language and that it's not as easy to change who I am as I thought, but that people still like me anyways. In Flagstaff I learned how to work and study hard, almost constantly, and I learned that I needed to be cautious of people even if I trust them.
And here, in Turkey, I'm learning new ways to worry. It's in my nature to worry, I think. If there's something to worry about - cars sliding around on the icy roads my mom takes to work, the highest tree limbs my brothers climb also being the weakest, reckless drivers unknowingly speeding towards my family and friends on their bikes, a hidden disease waiting for the right moment to reveal itself, students disliking my class and not learning - I'll worry about it. All of the worrying I've done in my life before Turkey seemed pretty average - worrying about the basic well-being of my loved ones and myself being affected by regular, day to day living. But here, I've found new things to worry about.
Before living here, I never worried much about war. I thought about it, but I never worried about it. It was a terrifying, abstract, and distant concept. I never worried about my own country, my own government being at least partly responsible for the death of my friends' families. A few of the teachers who started this year are from places that appear daily in the news. Ukraine and Syria. And they've become some of my closest, dearest friends. And despite their light, despite their humor and positive energy, their countries are being torn apart, piece by piece. And their families are still there. And my government is supplying the weapons that might one day be aimed at them. And that feels terrible.
It's a worry combined with guilt. I worry that my friends' families might die, but on top of that, it might be by my own government's doing. My own country. Our big weapons and our huge military and our need to meddle with the rest of the world so that we, in our little comfortable bubble, can feel secure. So that we can spread the values we see as right and most important to the rest of the world. And none of us really knows or understands what's going on out there. All in the name of democracy and human rights. Right? And yes, I know that it's not all our fault. I know that while taking, we are also saving some lives. I know that lives might be taken if we don't get involved. But every time I read about the US supplying weapons to either of those countries, I imagine them being aimed at my friends' families. Because in the history of weapons and war, that's what happens.
I don't mean to sound anti-government or anti-war or anti-anything. I can't think about things in categories anymore. It's a world. We're all people, animals. And we are sometimes wonderful, and we are sometimes horrible. But somehow we've made it much more complicated than that. So I'm talking about things that I don't understand. Politics and history. Things that confuse me. Because I also love my country. It will always be home. Our diversity, our creativity, our freedom to think and question openly, our ability to accept unusual ideas and outsiders with (mostly) open arms. Our curiosity about the world.
At least those are the things that I used to think made up America. It seems, though, that we only embrace differences and diversity within our own borders, where we can easily control things, while the military quietly works away at getting the rest of the world to act more like us and to respect us. I worry that in the process of trying to do good and trying to protect innocent lives all over the world, which I deeply hope was the underlying intent of all of our decisions, we've gone off track. And we no longer know how to go back and too much is kept secret and too much is corrupt and it's all too complicated to fix, so we just keep digging more holes and making the old ones deeper. I worry about those holes eventually leading to the people that I know and love. By living here, in a country sandwiched between war zones, a country trying to keep to itself while also making room for refugees and doing its best not to get involved, I've learned how to worry about my own country and what, exactly, it is doing in the world.
