Word of the day

If I could select a word to describe my emotions lately, it would be volatile. Easily changed. Unsteady and unpredictable. One moment I feel just fine with what I am doing here, what I have done, and what I hope to do, and five minutes later, I want to smack myself for thinking I've actually done anything of use or have any good ideas. My balance between alone time and time with my Romanian friends felt perfect yesterday, while today it's clear that I'm nothing but an anti-social non-integrator. I feel satisfied with my decision to focus on Romanian instead of Hungarian, then I feel like a stubborn dimwit for not trying to learn both. This morning I woke up thinking about how quickly the past year has gone and now as I get ready for bed I question whether this month will ever end. A story I told yesterday sounded witty while today it sounds along the lines of spoken cow manure. I was looking at some pictures of me sledding with friends recently and started to laugh, but my eyes filled up with tears and suddenly I wasn't sure if I was laughing or crying. I couldn't tell and went through a strange, confused moment where I felt both very happy and very sad, which has never happened before over such a simple thing like a picture. I could not decide which of two fairly opposite and strong emotions I was feeling. Why would a picture of me sledding make me cry? Maybe because I look so happy in those pictures and wish I could hold onto that happiness for more than just a few minutes before I'm yet again mentally socking myself in the eye.