Forgive Me

Forgive me, but it gets old. I love Peace Corps, I do. I really love what it stands for – helping underserved communities, spreading cultural understanding, learning about the world, making friends, on and on, but sometimes, it just gets old. Sometimes it treats you like a five year-old kid who can’t make decisions, who has no experience, who can’t be trusted, whose opinions are silly little nothings. Sometimes, it feels like your freedom to do what you want to do, to be who you want to be, has been stolen away, tucked into a filing cabinet, where it will be kept under lock and key for the next 27+ months. It takes away living options. It takes away apartment hunting. It takes away decision-making and negotiating and discussion topics and pride and friends, and then it tells you to take this one situation, this one situation in this one city at this one school, of all the possibilities and places and people, take this one situation, no matter how poor of a match, and live with it. Deal with it. Take it like a man. Take one for the team. And if you don’t like it and don’t make it beautiful and shiny and meaningful, your problem. Your loss. Maybe you really are not cut out for this wildebeest of an adventure called Peace Corps. Maybe you don’t deserve to be here. Maybe you should just shut up or get out because there are thousands of hands typing away at their aspiration statements at this very moment, dreaming of mud huts and straw hats and all that nonsense I once dreamt about. We’ll gladly fly you home and replace you with one of them, regardless of their dreams, regardless of your thoughts. Just say the word, just show one little sign of weakness, and gears shall start turning. And, if you have any questions, comments or concerns, keep them to yourself. They don’t matter, anyways.
Forgive me, please, it’s just gotten old. I love Peace Corps, I do. I’m learning and gaining experience and living a life that I’d never have back home, but, you know, it just gets old sometimes. Forgive me. I’ve always believed in honesty and the occasional rant and perhaps I’m experiencing the 3rd year blues.