Just about every volunteer I have talked to has said that the second year is by far better and easier than the first. This makes sense to me. You are integrated into your community, you're more comfortable with the language, you've figured out how things like train and bus schedules work and you've most likely made some progress work-wise and have a clearer idea of what you'll be doing for the remainder of your service. You're on the downside of the big two-year mountain. That all makes perfect sense to me. So I am left wondering why, a quarter into my second year, my experience is turning out to be the exception. This second year has been nothing but disappointing in regards to integration and work so far. Yes, I've done a multitude of summer camps and traveling over the past three months, which I've thoroughly enjoyed, but that has little to do with what I feel like I should be doing. But it does makes sense to me as to why I'm so disappointed and frustrated with myself and my placement right now. I've moved. I love my new apartment, but I didn't really think about how a new location would require another mini-integration. The friendly fruit-and-veggie-stand guy is now out of my way to visit. The little old lady on the second floor is probably still wandering around the hall all day, but I wouldn't know because I no longer climb those stairs. The kind lady with the sweet little dog is not my neighbor anymore. I almost never see people in this new building and there are just so many...I rarely see the same face twice. Even if I did, I feel like I've lost that fresh PCV motivation to try and talk to everyone I bump in to. My new apartment is bigger and nicer and requires climbing seven flights of stairs to get to, so convincing myself to stay inside is that much easier. So I'm back at square one, minus the motivation. Bad combo. As for work, our frog study didn't happen because there wasn't enough gas money to pay for our visits to the nature reserve. So no population density study. We received the funding for the SPA grant I applied for, but because the agency is a governmental one, there are all these extra steps that need to be taken before we are able to use the money. Currently the project is waiting to be approved by the Prime Minister or something. It has been waiting there for three months now and has no sign of moving. For 1,500 dollars. The project should be wrapping up right now, but hasn't even started. So the two main projects I've tried to do with the agency have essentially failed. Plus, we recently got a new director and things just feel different there. Less stuff seems to be going on, especially with money being so tight due to the economy. So...motivation? Rock bottom. If I were to go home right now, I'd feel like I'd done my best and it's the first time I've thought seriously about how I'm spending my time here while I'm missing my family so much, especially after my mom's lovely visit. It was wonderful to wake up in the morning, knowing that she was just a few meters away. This is the first time I've really realized that going home IS an option.
No. Stop. Refocus. Things will get better. This has been a long, three month stretch of down, but when school starts back up and I have the drama club and American corners to reign in my satisfaction, things will feel better. I'm going to continue the English classes with the EPA in September and will consider that my main contribution to my assigned agency. I'm going to call up the local friends I've been neglecting and go out for tea or possibly a hike. And maybe I'll even say hello to the people in my new building. I'm going to focus more on my volunteer friends who are still here and not feel so sad about the ones who've left. Time to pull on the maturity cap and do my best to follow through with the trend and make the second year better.
Starting tomorrow.
3 comments:
Stop...Having...Expectations. Those will get you no where, especially here! You've done impressively well and I can't wait to see you next week! Hammer it all out on that ole keyboard! I mean...I wouldn't be upset if you wrote a song for me. I'll start. Title: Awkwardness Prevails
It's hard, usually at the beginning, but sometimes in the middle, too. I had some hard times about where you are now, a quarter into the 2nd year. Not sure why. Things are going well, so we expect to stay on the same trajectory, but life is life. Stuff happens, and you realize that stuff can suck in any country. You get through it. Take care of yourself, cultivate a few important relationships, have patience. It will get better, maybe not in the exact way you had planned, but it will get better.
For you, camping/traveling/socializing are all good supplements; however, your personal goal is constructive contribution.
I hope 'tomorrow' includes what you are looking for.
When I am on vacation, thoughts of life at home remain foremost on my mind. I often wish I had an 'off-switch' for the brain.
Goal: try not to sprain your brain ;)
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