I can't sleep. I could try, but I already know what will happen. I've felt like falling asleep in a quiet, dark cubby hole all day, but I can feel my brain waking up and wanting to do stuff now that I'm alone. Now that it can focus on itself instead of on other people. I don't know if I'd classify myself as an insomniac or whatever, but for one - two weeks, 4 or 5 times a year, I thoroughly suck at sleeping. It turns my brain into a jerk and causes me and my brain to fight. Nothing violent or aggressive, but it brings our differing opinions on how I should spend my time to the forefront, which leads to internal dialogues that resemble passive aggressive arguments and make life less fun for everyone involved. For example, the following:
Me: I really should go to that dinner party / football game / shopping trip. Socializing is good for me.
Brain: But wouldn't you rather go home and bake cookies?
Me: Oh...hmm...that does sound good.
Brain: Yes, yes it does. Maybe you can listen to a new podcast while you bake, too. That's always fun. Especially for me.
Me: I know! Podcasts are great...but I already told them I'd go and I really should go. They're my friends and they're nice and...
Brain: You know it doesn't matter in the end, right?
Brain: None of it matters. The silly, meaningless things you say, the things they say, the events and politics and books and fashion and food and music and all of that garbage that you put effort into discussing with people. The things that you attempt to listen to and respond to accordingly while I'm back here trying to get you to focus on real stuff. None of that matters.
Me: What are you talking about? What "real stuff"? Of course it matters. And who are you to deem what is "real stuff" and what is "garbage"? Don't be so pretentious.
Brain: I'm just being honest. We're a team here, remember? If I'm pretentious, you're pretentious. You don't have to pretend so much with people...what good does any of it bring you?
Me: Stop it. We're just tired. It matters. People matter. Don't make us out to be selfish pricks.
Brain: Whatever. Go hang out with people. Have fun with that. I'll just be back here pestering and interrupting you until you're free again.
Here's hoping that I can sleep tonight. And sorry to anyone my brain has offended lately.