Sunday, September 14, 2014

A little bit of honesty

I'm never bored, but am fairly boring. I love to laugh, but can't force it. I have great conversations in my head, but rarely in real life. I like people individually, but struggle with groups. I hear everything, but the words make less and less sense. I can think of things to say, but then think why bother. I'm a good person, but I'm not good at being a friend.  

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

To be liked.

My favorite pictures are often the ones that few people like. Weird lighting, my feet in a place or on a day that means something to me, something old, something surprising. I like those pictures. I do. But they're not the popular ones. Expansive landscapes, flowers, sunsets, cute animals. I'll take more and more pictures of them because that's what is liked. Not the meaningful ones. If I could take away one invention of my lifetime, it'd be the like button. In all of its forms. Because who doesn't want to be liked. And who doesn't shape themselves and what they do and what they say and what they show in order to be as liked as possible by the people in their lives. Instead of being the being that they are or the being that they want to be, they think about the being that is liked. Who is that being? Made up of stupid little clicks that somehow take on meaning, and yet are typically given without a thought. Generating confidence in their presence, and casting doubt in their absence. I'm glad you have no way to like this blog. Otherwise it'd probably be a very different blog. Full of daisies and selfies and words that mean nothing to me.            

But I'm glad that you're here.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

me and my brain

the days and the days and the days where i am alone here in this head.
this one little head that i was assigned to and can never leave.
at least not for a long long while.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

This Summer.

I spent 3 days in Flagstaff, listening to and telling my old friends stories, wandering up to Lowell, gaping at the night sky, drinking Macy's Specials, eating popcorn and toasting Pabst B Ribbons at the castle, walking my friend's dogs. I felt my Flagstaff happiness return and didn't really want to leave and could picture myself living there again, some day.

I spent 6 weeks in Princeton, working in a cubicle with two monitors, stacks of paper, and meeting reminders, and not minding it one bit, making new friends who shared a love for puns and science and ice cream and quiet, walking miles and miles around the campus and along the canals and through the neighborhoods, pondering how a place could be so green, listening to Yolanda's stories on Mexico and life, trying to catch lightning bugs and squirrels on camera. I felt a new kind of happiness and didn't want to leave it behind and could picture myself living there again, some day.

I spent 4 weeks in Reno, passing precious time and eating mounds of kale with my mom and sister, getting one last, quiet, indescribably beautiful day with the Dusty Dude, playing new, slow songs on my old favorite piano, catching up with old friends, driving cars and finding cars to drive,  making coffee for my mom in the mornings, kickboxing until the familiar blisters returned, shopping a little bit too much for myself and friends, making another visit to American Flats with dad and Austen and Jaden, and, of course, not having enough time to go to Lake Tahoe or do the other billion things I always think of to do when I visit home. It's a place of unconditional happiness and I will always envision myself living there again, some day.

I returned to Antalya yesterday, where I found my apartment surprisingly clean and welcoming, despite a 2 months' thin layer of dust, where I have good friends who I am excited to see and who are excited to see me, where I can walk for hours and never really get tired, where people compliment my horrible Turkish and are pleasantly bemused by the fact that I am American, and where there are so many cool places to visit every weekend it's a little overwhelming. This is where I live now, today, and I am happy about that.

Every year, the world becomes more freckled with the places and the people that I love.          

Sunday, August 24, 2014

A rare moment.

I'm at my best when the sun is bright, the temperature is cool, and my mind is occupied by the thoughts and feelings of no one.

Monday, August 18, 2014


I wonder what kinds of wars and riots squirrels would have if they had the ability to research, document, and remember everything that ever happened in the entire history of the existence of squirrels. What would they be like if they could remember the fights of the generation before them, who were fighting the fights of the generation before them, who were fighting the fights of the generation before them, each generation of squirrels adding some sort of new fight for the next generation of squirrels to remember and carry on. Until the entire population of squirrels knew how to do nothing but fight and remember all of the reasons that ever arose in their entire history to hate. I wonder what they'd be like then.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Other Side

How does he decide?

What's that?

How does he decide who goes where?

What do you mean?

Everyone's saying if you do this, you'll go to heaven. If you do that, you'll go to hell.

You mean God?

Yeah. How does he decide? They said that he decides.

Oh...well...I think he sends you to heaven if you do good things. You've got nothing to worry about, kiddo.

But how does he decide what's good? How do I know if I'm doing good things?

I don't think you need to worry about it. Use your own the things you think are good things. You'll feel it if you're doing something bad. Usually people kind of feel it when they're doing something bad.

Like squishing bugs?

Maybe. Does it feel bad to squish bugs?

Kind of.

Then you probably shouldn't do it.

I like to think...he brings them all together. And let's them decide.

What do you mean? The bugs?

Mm-hmm. I think he decides from them. I think when you die he brings everything you've ever touched in your whoooooole life, every living thing you've ever done anything bugs and dogs and people...he brings them all together. And all the things that you were nice to and helped and maybe saved, all of them line up on one side. The good side. The heaven side. And all of the things you were mean to, or maybe even killed, line up on the other side. The hell side.

You mean the bad side.


So all the bugs you squished will be on the bad side?

Yeah. That's your bad side, where you were mean. Where you squished bugs and kicked dogs. They're all there, angry at you. The two sides all line up and face eachother and growl and spit and get ready to fight. The good side wants you to go to heaven, cause you helped them. They like you. The bad side doesn't want you to go to heaven.

Cause you were mean to them.

Cause you were mean, yeah. They don't like you. Both sides're all lined up...and God's got this flag. And you're standing off to the left, waiting for them to decide. God holds up his flag in the air, then he swishes it down real fast, like this, fffwish. When he does that, all the animals, everything on the good side and everything on the bad side, charge at each other. And fight.

They fight?

Yeah, know, they don't hurt each other. It isn't really real. It's not real. It's just this thing that God does to decide. I think.


So they fight and fight and fight until one of the sides wins. If you've been good and nice to things, the good side will be a lot bigger. And stronger. And they'll win pretty easy. Then God decides that you get to go to heaven and hang out with all those animals that like you. But if you've been kinda bad, that side will be bigger and stronger. They'll beat the good side pretty quick.

Then what happens?

God sends you to hell. So you go there and you have to be around all those animals that don't like you. And people. Who you hurt.

That doesn't sound good.

But that's how he decides.

How do you know?

How else would he decide?

I don't know, kiddo. I don't know. That's a lota animals to worry about.

Yeah, but you just have to be nice to them. It's not that hard.

Well. When the time comes, I'll be on your good side, k?

K. Thanks.

You're going nowhere but up.

K....I'll be on your good side, too. K?